How to Tell If Someone Is Worth Your Trust
Louise Delage. Remember her?
She
was a 25-year-old social media star, who in 2016 gained over 50,000
likes in a
couple of months with photos of herself at boat parties and exotic travel destinations. She seemed like a fun, free soul who was enjoying her life to the full – but the reality was very different. In fact, she was an alcoholic, and was actually being used as part of an anti-alcohol campaign created by French agency BETC.1
couple of months with photos of herself at boat parties and exotic travel destinations. She seemed like a fun, free soul who was enjoying her life to the full – but the reality was very different. In fact, she was an alcoholic, and was actually being used as part of an anti-alcohol campaign created by French agency BETC.1
The
campaign, known as “Like My Addiction,” was designed to raise awareness
of alcoholism among young people. The daily images of Louise appearing
to enjoy her life with a drink in hand was the perfect set up. People
loved her social accounts, and no doubt many people began to dream of
emulating her lifestyle. When the reveal came,
her social media followers were made to realize that they had failed to spot that Louise was actually a sad, struggling alcoholic.
her social media followers were made to realize that they had failed to spot that Louise was actually a sad, struggling alcoholic.
It’s
an extreme example, but in the real world (as well as in the virtual
world) we can easily be duped by people who are not what they first
seem.
Don’t Let Your Bias Blind You to the Truth
When
meeting people for the first time, you’re most likely to trust your
instincts and judgements. However, this may not be the best way to
proceed, as it’s likely that you have some inherent biases.
Neglect of probability bias
– many people find probability to be a difficult concept to deal with.
This leads them to make black or white decisions. In other words, they
choose either 0 percent or 100 percent. The problem with this type of
decision-making, is that most things (and people) aren’t just day or
night. In reality, they are a mixture of things. So, a person who you
may regard as 100 percent good, may in fact, have a negative side that
you overlook due to bias.2
Illusory-correlation bias
– this can be described as our tendency to erroneously connect an
action and an effect. For example, you see a news story about a shark
attack at a beach you are due to visit. Although the shark attack is the
first in decades at that location, you immediately decide not to swim
in the sea during your holiday. The odds
of being attacked by a shark are incredibly low, and in reality, millions of people swim safely in the sea every year. Therefore, by staying out of the water, you’ve allowed the reported shark attack to cause an illusory-correlation bias in your mind.3
of being attacked by a shark are incredibly low, and in reality, millions of people swim safely in the sea every year. Therefore, by staying out of the water, you’ve allowed the reported shark attack to cause an illusory-correlation bias in your mind.3
Biases can cause us to make faulty assessments of people. And this can be bad news for us.
Making the Wrong Judgement Can Be Harmful to You
Imagine that you interview someone to look after your young children for one night a week.
The
20-something lady appears calm, confident and easygoing. She also has
childcare qualifications. As the safety and well-being of your children
are paramount, you ask the lady for references from previous childcare
work she has done. As if expecting that
question to come up, she reaches into her handbag and takes out an envelope which contains two handwritten letters. These appear to be genuine reference letters from two of her previous employers.
question to come up, she reaches into her handbag and takes out an envelope which contains two handwritten letters. These appear to be genuine reference letters from two of her previous employers.
As
everything seems in order, and the lady appears qualified and friendly,
you find yourself drawn to offering the part-time childcare role to her
immediately. However, something inside stops you doing it. Instead, you
say to the lady: “Thank you for your time today. I’ll let you know
tomorrow if we’d like you to start.”
After
the lady has left, you decide to do a quick bit of online research
using the person’s name and address. What you discover horrifies you.
Credible news stories state that the lady had both of her children taken
from her by social services due to her maltreatment
of them. She was also prosecuted for the offence, and had served several months in jail!
of them. She was also prosecuted for the offence, and had served several months in jail!
Having
discovered the truth about the lady, you rightly decline to offer her a
position caring for your children. But just think how close you came to
giving her the job. It’s enough to give you nightmares.
As the above demonstrates, making the wrong judgement about a person can be bad news indeed.
Use These Seven Tips to Decide Whether a Person Can Be Trusted
Learning
how to correctly determine if someone is trustworthy is easier than you
may think. And to prove this to you, I’ve put together a list of seven
simple tips for deciding whether a person should be trusted.
1. Observe the person from different perspectives and in different situations.
You
don’t want to judge a person too easily. By doing this, you won’t be
giving yourself enough time (or material) to form an accurate assessment
of a person. Instead, try to observe the way a person behaves in
different scenarios.
For example, someone at work
may seem warm, approachable and super-friendly.
However, you may see a different side to them when they go out drinking with friends on a night. Instead of the amiable person you see at work, they may become boisterous, arrogant – or even aggressive.
However, you may see a different side to them when they go out drinking with friends on a night. Instead of the amiable person you see at work, they may become boisterous, arrogant – or even aggressive.
2. Analyze their behavior to see if it’s consistent across different circumstances.
As
discussed above, people can show different sides to their personality
depending upon the situation they are in. A reliable, trustworthy person
is more likely to demonstrate consistent behavior than someone with
something to hide.
If you’ve ever watched those ‘border control’ TV programs, you’ll notice a pattern. People with something to hide are often overly-friendly at first (when they are trying to smuggle something into a country), but when it appears they are about to get caught –
they frequently express irritation and anger at the border control staff. An honest person is likely to show far less divergence in their emotions.
3. Take time to discover the “whole picture” of a person.
I’m sure you’ve heard the expression: Don’t judge a book by its cover. Well,
this is true not just for books – but for people too! You must take an
adequate amount of time to reach a fair appraisal of a person.
As
an example for you, remember a time when you moved into a new house or
apartment. You may have introduced yourself to your neighbors, only to
find that one of them seemed quite rude and abrupt. You took an instant
dislike to them. But as future events would show, you were too hasty in
your judgement. This particular neighbor
turned out to be the most helpful. They received your mail, cleaned the entrance way to your properties – and even offered to look after your pets when you went on holiday. In hindsight, it appears they were just having a bad day when you first met them.
turned out to be the most helpful. They received your mail, cleaned the entrance way to your properties – and even offered to look after your pets when you went on holiday. In hindsight, it appears they were just having a bad day when you first met them.
4. See if they trust others.
People who are easily suspicious of others, are the very same people you may not want to give your trust to.
This was suggested by a recent study of the behavior of online video game players.4
The study found that those who were happy to cooperate and rely on
other players were
less likely to double-cross their partners in a game.
less likely to double-cross their partners in a game.
In other words, trust is a two-way street.
5. Ask yourself how much you know how they think.
Getting
inside someone’s head allows you to understand how they think and act.
One way to do this is to listen closely to what they say. Our words
often betray are true thoughts.
Criminal
investigators frequently use this trick. When interviewing a suspect,
they ask lots of questions, including some that are not specific to the
particular case. They do this to see whether a suspect will reveal more
about themselves than they might wish to do. A guilty person may try
very hard to hide the truth. But in their efforts to appear
innocent, they can often trip themselves up.
innocent, they can often trip themselves up.
Once you discover a person’s thought patterns, you’ll be able to make a fair assessment of their trustworthiness.
6. Try to learn about their past.
The person standing in front of you may look like an angel – but what do you really know about them?
Before
giving your trust to a person, it makes sense to learn about their
past. Employers understand this well. Whenever they’re hiring new staff,
they’re likely to have a rigorous recruitment process. This usually
starts with a detailed look at a resume. If the resume fits the bill,
then the candidate will be asked to come in for an interview (or series
of
interviews). The employer will probe the candidate about their qualifications and their work experience. If the candidate is lucky enough to be selected for the job, references will be required before any contract is signed.
interviews). The employer will probe the candidate about their qualifications and their work experience. If the candidate is lucky enough to be selected for the job, references will be required before any contract is signed.
While you don’t need to be this thorough when assessing a person, it definitely makes sense to be aware of their past.
7. But don’t strive to know 100 percent about a person.
If you do this, then you’ll likely to never reach the stage of deciding on their trustworthiness.
Instead,
aim to know a decent amount about a person. This may be 15 percent, 30
percent or even 50 percent. The exact percentage is unimportant. The key
thing is to understand enough about a person to be confident in
deciding whether they can be
trusted. A good example of this, is when choosing an automotive technician. Their ad in the local newspaper may sound appealing, but do some research to see if their customers have been satisfied with their work.
trusted. A good example of this, is when choosing an automotive technician. Their ad in the local newspaper may sound appealing, but do some research to see if their customers have been satisfied with their work.
We
all have trust issues from time-to-time. It’s just human nature.
However, if you follow the seven tips above, you can super-charge your
people assessment skills. This can help you to match up with trustworthy
people, and to avoid the dishonest and undependable.
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Why Pursuing Happiness Will Make You End up Being Unhappy
Happiness
is like your favorite food. Let’s assume you love cookie dough ice
cream and whenever you eat it you’re happy. But if you have a freezer
stocked with it, someone
gifting you with another one won’t necessarily make you happier. Contrarily, if your freezer stopped running and you had to go without it for weeks, you would be elated if someone showed up with a brand new carton for you. It’s a feeling we have all felt (hopefully), but it’s certainly not a permanent state of mind.
gifting you with another one won’t necessarily make you happier. Contrarily, if your freezer stopped running and you had to go without it for weeks, you would be elated if someone showed up with a brand new carton for you. It’s a feeling we have all felt (hopefully), but it’s certainly not a permanent state of mind.
Here’s the thing, only by experiencing sadness do we understand what it is to be happy.
Assuming others are always happy is the biggest misunderstanding of happiness.
The
funny thing is, most people see those who have seemingly perfect lives
and assume they are happy all the time. Blame it on all the fairy tales
we were read at bedtime as children, but it seems somewhere along the
line we forgot that there are not actually
princesses who find a prince and live happily-ever-after while peasants and witches stew in their unhappiness nearby.
princesses who find a prince and live happily-ever-after while peasants and witches stew in their unhappiness nearby.
In reality, there is always something missing, something lacking, or something unpleasant.
No
one has a perfect life. I think you hear it a lot growing up, that you
shouldn’t judge those around you because you don’t know what their life
is like behind closed doors. But as we grow and mature we tend to
forget.
Happiness, at it’s very definition, is a
state of contentment. Notice the word, ‘state.’ It’s not a “lifelong,
permanent experience,” it’s a state. Temporary and/or fleeting.
When
we feel sad, we’re only focusing on a small fluctuating curve. This is
usually enforced by our well-meaning friends who say things like, “this
is a blessing in disguise,” or “this will soon be a memory; this too
shall pass.” They’re right, and we usually know they’re right, but in
the moment it can be difficult to see past our negativity. Do you
remember your very first breakup? It felt like the world would never be okay again, didn’t it? But weeks, months and eventually years passed and so many other relationships came and went. Of course you moved on, but in that intense sad moment of time, you were unable to see that there was a future.
remember your very first breakup? It felt like the world would never be okay again, didn’t it? But weeks, months and eventually years passed and so many other relationships came and went. Of course you moved on, but in that intense sad moment of time, you were unable to see that there was a future.
What we don’t see is the extended
version of this curve. In keeping with the breakup example, the extended
version of the curve would be your eventual life-partner or your
realization that you were completely happy as a single person. But at
the time, there was no future, only darkness and loneliness.
What
we fail to see is how important Sadness is to Joy. Remember earlier
when I said we only know what happiness is because we’ve experienced
sadness? If you can really think about what that means, it’s pretty
powerful. It takes the darkness to make us grateful for the light.
Stop trying to be happy. Just be.
It’s
natural to want to be happy as often as possible. So what can we do?
First, throw away the belief that a perfect life means happiness.
Personally, I would be miserable if everything was perfect. It’s from
experiencing the pains of lifelong challenges that drives us to care for
others when they are experiencing the same trials. If life was
perfect, you wouldn’t be able to empathize. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t grow.
perfect, you wouldn’t be able to empathize. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t grow.
To be truly happy, stop chasing permanent happiness. It
sounds like a paradox. What I mean is, accept that there will be ups
and downs throughout time. Gracefully understand that happiness is a
fluctuation of positive and negative events.
Instead
of focusing on the unpleasant moment right now, flash back your memory
to when you had or didn’t have something. I like to think about my
career for this example. When I didn’t have a career I was happy with
and passionate about, I was upset. I felt like everyone was figuring out
their lives but me. But when I found my purpose and
started Lifehack, I was so happy, even before I realized I would be successful!
started Lifehack, I was so happy, even before I realized I would be successful!
Remember that gratitude is the key because we only appreciate a moment when we can compare it with moments of disappointments.
Happiness and sadness exist together
What
it all comes down to is this: your life will be filled with beautiful,
happy, incredible, wow-inducing moments. Happy tears and joyous shouts
and funny stories. But your life will also be filled with rainy, mucky
storms that don’t ever seem to pass when you’re going through them.
But
whether your face is warmed by the sunshine, or your heart is dampened
by the rain, know that it’s all part of that beautiful ebb and flow of
life. Relish in the happy moments and power through the sad ones. Know
you aren’t alone in experiencing either, and don’t be afraid to admit
when you are hurting.
Pretending
to be happy won’t make you happy. But being unconditionally honest with
yourself about how you feel and why … that’s how you learn to love your
life — good times and bad, and that’s how to be happy.