PsychologyThe Scientific Explanation on Why We Attract What We Are
PsychologyThe Scientific Explanation on Why We Attract What We Are Share: Psychology The Scientific Explanation on Why We Attract What We Are Amber Pariona Professional EFL Teacher, MPA, and English/Spanish Translator. Full Bio Have you ever noticed a pattern in your romantic relationships? We tend to have very specific
behaviors with our partners and these behaviors tend to repeat themselves. Maybe you’ve been called “clingy” a couple times? Or maybe you run from relationship problems rather than work through them. Whatever your particular relationship pattern, it can all be explained by attachment theory. Attachment theory helps explain the attachment style we use in our adult relationships. Understanding this, is the key to
finding a lasting relationship. Your attachment style determines who you attract. How can understanding attachment theory help you find a partner? Well, your attachment style affects every aspect of your romantic relationships, from being attracted to a particular person to how the breakup goes.1 Learning more about your attachment
style, helps you learn more about your personal needs and how to get those needs met.2 Attachment theory can help you understand what strengths and weaknesses you bring to a relationship and how you can make those traits work in your favor. The more you understand your attachment style, the more likely you are to find somebody that matches and complements that style. We are all wired to one of the 4 types of
attachment styles. According to attachment theory, there are 4 types of attachment styles3: 1. Secure Attachment If you experienced a secure relationship with your parents and grew up feeling safe to grow and explore independently, you probably have secure attachment. This means that you tend to feel secure and close to your partner, but still respect each person’s independence in the relationship. 2. Anxious Preoccupied
Attachment If you have an anxious preoccupied attachment style, it might be hard for you to feel satisfied in your romantic relationships. In fact, you might be described as clingy or possessive as you rely on your partner to make you feel happy or to help you overcome your fears. You might even spend a lot of time worried that you will lose your significant other. 3. Dismissive Avoidant Attachment If you are a dismissive avoidant, attachment theory says that you tend to isolate yourself from your partner. You might
come off as unconcerned with your relationship and may go so far as to say that having a romantic partner isn’t that important. You try to avoid emotional connection with another person. 4. Fearful Avoidant Attachment If you have fearful avoidant attachment, you probably experience two kinds of fear simultaneously: the fear of letting yourself get to close to your partner and the fear of being too distant with your partner. Living in
this constant state of confusion takes a toll on your emotions. People have probably told you that you’re emotional and unpredictable because your moods tend to change dramatically and with no warning. According to research, around 50% of the general population has a secure attachment style, 20% has an anxious attachment style, and
25% has an avoidant attachment style.4 In the dating world, that is single and available adults, you’re more likely to find somebody who fits one of the avoidant attachment styles. Why? Because people with secure attachment have a higher probability of being in a committed relationship.5 So, you’ve looked over the relationship styles of attachment theory and think you know which category you fit in. So now how do use
that information to help you find a lasting relationship? Some people tend to be drawn to a specific type of people. Attachment theory tells us that people with certain attachment styles tend to be drawn to somebody of a complementary nature. What does this mean? If you’re an anxious or avoidant person, you might find a secure person to be a little boring. You crave drama, mistakenly believing it is the same as sharing romantic chemistry. A securely attached person isn’t going to provide that. As a result,
avoidant and anxious people often end up together. Two avoidant people make for barely there relationship; both people spend all their time avoiding each other. Two anxious people make for an unpredictable and high stress relationship; each convinced the other is going to abandon them. But an anxious and an avoidant person together?
These 2 attachment styles complement each other in that an anxious person is willing to wait around for their avoidant partner to commit to the relationship. This anxious attachment actually validates avoidant behavior by letting the avoidant know their behavior will be tolerated.6 Securely attached individuals can be with any of the style
according to attachment theory. This is because they can validate their partner’s feelings and help them overcome their fears. So how can you achieve a secure attachment style? It’s possible to change your attachment style. First, you need to accept your attachment type by being honest with yourself. If you are an anxious partner, admit it. Then, ask
yourself why. Think back to your childhood, write down all of your memories if you need to. Really look at what happened to you while growing up and try to make sense of it, try to determine how it is affecting your adult relationships today. Making this connection can help you develop a more secure attachment style, which can help you
find a lasting relationship.7 References Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io [1] PsychAlive: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship [2] PsychologyToday: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship [3]
PsychologyToday: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship [4] PsychCentral: How to Change Your Attachment Style [5] ArtOfWellbeing: 14 Things You Need to Know About Adult Attachment Theory [6] ArtOfWellbeing: 14 Things You Need to Know About Adult Attachment Theory [7] PsychAlive: Understanding Insecure
Attachment About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission Advertising
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Unhappy Leon Ho Leon Ho is the Founder and CEO of Lifehack, which he started in 2005 as a way to share his personal productivity hacks to make life easier. Full Bio Happiness is like your favorite food. Let’s assume you love cookie dough ice cream and whenever you eat it you’re happy. But if you have a freezer stocked with it, someone
gifting you with another one won’t necessarily make you happier. Contrarily, if your freezer stopped running and you had to go without it for weeks, you would be elated if someone showed up with a brand new carton for you. It’s a feeling we have all felt (hopefully), but it’s certainly not a permanent state of mind. Here’s the thing, only by experiencing sadness do we understand what it is to be happy. Assuming others are
always happy is the biggest misunderstanding of happiness. The funny thing is, most people see those who have seemingly perfect lives and assume they are happy all the time. Blame it on all the fairy tales we were read at bedtime as children, but it seems somewhere along the line we forgot that there are not actually princesses who find a
prince and live happily-ever-after while peasants and witches stew in their unhappiness nearby. In reality, there is always something missing, something lacking, or something unpleasant. No one has a perfect life. I think you hear it a lot growing up, that you shouldn’t judge those around you because you don’t know what their life is like behind closed doors. But as we grow and mature we tend to forget. Happiness, at it’s very definition, is a state of contentment. Notice the word, ‘state.’ It’s not a “lifelong,
permanent experience,” it’s a state. Temporary and/or fleeting. When we feel sad, we’re only focusing on a small fluctuating curve. This is usually enforced by our well-meaning friends who say things like, “this is a blessing in disguise,” or “this will soon be a memory; this too shall pass.” They’re right, and we usually know they’re right, but in the moment it can be difficult to see past our negativity. Do you remember your very first
breakup? It felt like the world would never be okay again, didn’t it? But weeks, months and eventually years passed and so many other relationships came and went. Of course you moved on, but in that intense sad moment of time, you were unable to see that there was a future. What we don’t see is the extended version of this curve. In keeping
with the breakup example, the extended version of the curve would be your eventual life-partner or your realization that you were completely happy as a single person. But at the time, there was no future, only darkness and loneliness. What we fail to see is how important Sadness is to Joy. Remember earlier when I said we only know what
happiness is because we’ve experienced sadness? If you can really think about what that means, it’s pretty powerful. It takes the darkness to make us grateful for the light. Stop trying to be happy. Just be. It’s natural to want to be happy as often as possible. So what can we do? First, throw away the belief that a perfect life means happiness.
Personally, I would be miserable if everything was perfect. It’s from experiencing the pains of lifelong challenges that drives us to care for others when they are experiencing the same trials. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t be able to empathize. If life was perfect, you wouldn’t grow. To be truly happy, stop chasing permanent happiness. It sounds like a paradox. What I mean is, accept that there will be ups and downs throughout time.
Gracefully understand that happiness is a fluctuation of positive and negative events. Instead of focusing on the unpleasant moment right now, flash back your memory to when you had or didn’t have something. I like to think about my career for this example. When I didn’t have a career I was happy with and passionate about, I was upset. I felt
like everyone was figuring out their lives but me. But when I found my purpose and started Lifehack, I was so happy, even before I realized I would be successful! Remember that gratitude is the key because we only appreciate a moment when we can compare it with moments of disappointments. Happiness and sadness exist together What it all comes down to is this: your life will be filled with beautiful, happy, incredible, wow-
inducing moments. Happy tears and joyous shouts and funny stories. But your life will also be filled with rainy, mucky storms that don’t ever seem to pass when you’re going through them. But whether your face is warmed by the sunshine, or your heart is dampened by the rain, know that it’s all part of that beautiful ebb and flow of life. Relish in the happy moments and power through the sad ones. Know you aren’t alone in
experiencing either, and don’t be afraid to admit when you are hurting. Pretending to be happy won’t make you happy. But being unconditionally honest with yourself about how you feel and why … that’s how you learn to love your life — good times and bad, and that’s how to be happy. References Featured photo credit: InsideOut via facebook.com About Lifehack Lifehack is about helping you improve your life through efficient and
comprehensive learning. By leveraging the vast amount of knowledge available to us, we explore and present a wide variety of content catered to encouraging individual growth and solving problems. Learn more about our mission Advertising Advertising What’s Popular now? Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do Since Morning Warren Buffett Says Most People End up Being Average Because They Don't Keep This List Keep A "Friend Bank" So You Can Maintain The Right Kind Of Friendship! We're
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